Saturday, 31 July 2010

I forsee the light ahead!



AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
It's just sooo beautifull!!!!!
If I ever get married, I would love a replica just like this!
Found it whilst browsing for vinatage dresses!
I nearly died!

Diptheria!

God I'm so angry at the moment, It annoys me so much when he does that! We'll call him Ben! I Know that ranting on this doesn't solve the situation, but I've honestly given up trying! I just feel like yelling at Ben "get a fucking grip!" he does my head in. He complains, then when I try to help him it just gets thrown back in my pissing face. Well screw him, Let him do what he wants, I'm sick of trying to help and please him. From now on he can get lost, if he wants my help, tough I'm not gonna even care! Fuck Him.
I've got too much going on in my life to worry about him from now on, this is my last ever rant about him! I've got for once something normal in my life and I'm not screwing it up for him!

I've had enough of emotionally unstable men in my life! I had an Ex Boyfriend ringing me up and pestering me a few weeks ago... It was awfull! We broke up in a really unpleasant way and caused a fight between me and him, in which some other people got involved and it just ended really badly, and now after almost a year of no contact, he bloody rings me, apologizing and begging me to take him back! I said no of course, but after a few days of him pestering me, I finally had to threaten him with the police. I blocked his number and thank GOD I haven't heard from him since! Why do men get all obessive over something they can't have!?

Life for me at the moment is a really wierd balance, I'm having family problems so thats dragging the scale down, but I have Mitchell which is keeping me happy and sane, hence balancing me out a bit. I'm dreading it when the whole family thing comes to a head, its just gonna be the worst. I don't think that any of us are gonna handle it very well so it will be chaos. I hate the fact that were already preparing ourselves for the inevitable worst, which we all know is coming! Some of my family are in denial and wont be blunt about whats happening, which is maing it worst because their gonna rely on us for support, when we've moved on, dragging us down! It's not fair this is happening now, its just gonna be a huge test on mine and Mitchell's relationship and I hope that I wont get scared! I'm not afraid anymore, I'm sick of being afraid! Being scared of getting hurt can cause more pain! But I dont want to drag Mitchell to the dark places my mind takes me.
I've always had voices in my head telling me what a useless bastard I am, but the voice is my own! I hate the fact that Bipolar (Bipolar II Disorder:hypomania and depression) is such a fucker to have as a mental illness, It's not something that I admit to people often, It affects my day in so many ways!
I find myself in the middle of the night fantasising about suicide and how I could do it... I also hate the paranoia, thats what usually ended most of my relationships! It's not called manic depression for no reason. Bipolar disorder also affects your energy level, judgment, memory, concentration, appetite, sleep patterns, sex drive, and self-esteem. All of that applies to me, On a long stretch of depression I'm usually ables to disguise it as PMS, but I turn from a rational nice girl to a raging imbecile able of upsetting anyone (I've never suffered with plain old mania)! I've been lucky the past few weeks, I've been relatively normal/balanced mood. But I can feel myself edging toward depression, I'm able to moniter my mood swings easily through this, and I can see myself getting grouchy and complaining about people more! I think that I know whats gonna hit me this time!

Friday, 30 July 2010

My day out!

Had a great day, met up with Mitchell and Jordan, we basically mooched around town.
The day consisted of me being embarressed and exploring museums! I met Mitchell and Jordan outside St stephens, and was horrified to discover that they had an Iron man mask and intented to wear it! Playing mother I confiscated it, so that they could wear it around less people and not embarrass me as much!
we messed about on Marina, violating a cannon, and took some photo's; Because boy's dont have handbags I ended up with Jordans wallet and wanted to stage a robbery, but Mitchell was too nice and stayed while I ran off like a goon!! And moved on to the museums!
Jordan made it his task to scare the bloody shit out of me, every ten minutes, leaving my nerves shot. I was sat on the bus home terrified that he's jump out at me!
The museums were smelly and full of cameras! but lots of dark corners, for dark deeds!
we wandered mostly around the museum aimlessly apart from when me and Mitchell decided to check out the "exhibits"!
There was an incedent in which my ex rang Mitchell (who he's friends with) and started questioning him about some girl or something! I was annoyed cause the fucktard broke up with me after less than a pisssing week and at prom made it out to be my fault! I can't stand him now to be honest! I don't know why I wasted my time with him!
At the end of the day I dragged them both with me to the bus station to wait for a bus with me! were we saw some of the Hull freak show!

Overall I had a smashing day and am now consequently making plans for swimming!
..........
Ohhh and Tar when you read this! I love you! xxxx

Thursday, 29 July 2010

Hi Leg

Pegs, part of my mums shopping from tesco's today. Had a pretty average day, went out with my mum then went shopping and came home, had a nap and for tea I have made a lovely Curry.
What a doting daughter I am. Off to town tomorrow, not exactly sure who with, recieved a text of Mitchell saying "for tomorrow meeting outside st stephens at 11.30" I was expecting the rest to say locate the black suitcase under the bench and leave! I'm not exactly sure what were doing in town, just mooching I think :)
Feeling particular today..well it's the end of the month!
I'm hoping that the weather cheers up, because I wanna go to the seaside! No such luck eh?

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Kinky Boudiour

I'm loving underwear at the minute, especially the What Katie Did range its gorgeous http://www.whatkatiedid.com/ I specially love this bit of kit :

Vanilla Ice cream and Wooden Spoons

I love that title! As bizzarre as it reads that is part of what my day consisted of.
I finally got to see my man Mitchell, who now has a new nickname Tar (short for Tarzan) and I have Jules (short for Juliet).
We spent most of the day in a field (not what you think!) with him getting abused by a rope swing! We had the random urge to eat ice cream, but with the dilemma of having no spoons! so we improvised by buying wooden spoons!

It was a great day, Mitchell made me laugh, as usual and he was probably terrified! We got a bit wet from some rain showers but all was ok! I'm feeling much more positive after seeing him and feel thorougly happy.

Thats my day ....

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Girl Interrupted


Ahhh Lisa Rowe (Angelina Jolie)

Girl Interrupted, what a film!
Reminds me of one flew over the cuckoos nest

You can't spell laughter without slaughter


If it is alright (if it is alright) to conceal the truth,
Then when does the concealment end, and lying begin?
Tell me when? Tell me when? This is a maudlin motion picture.
A theme song in search of a movie,
I've got the perfect script to match this tune.
Who really knows what goes on in the afternoon?
Lets not ruin the surprise.






What do I wish I had done today?

I wish I told someone what I think of them!
sounds silly but I'm sick of being afraid of telling people my honest opinions about them. One person for start (who'll I'll name John) John is a complete self absorbed Prick, who thinks he's all high and mighty because he's older and more "acomplished" yeah sure a job you took beacause your only talent is pleasing yourself! He talks to his family like shit but acts all nicey nice around other people, his priorities are totally messed up and gives no consideration for how other people feel, his family members can't stand him half the time and are glad when he's not around! Also he is a smug arrogant fuck-tard who uses his masculinity to dominate things!

Now lets say I told John this to his face, I'd get a slap, but if I gave him a watered down version of the truth I'd become a stupid oppiniated teenager with no respect! Half the people I know I can't stand but I can't be bothered to argue with them!

Oranges are tough!

Feeling Melancholy.
so I will listen to Melancholy Hill by the Gorillaz.
The week has been Interesting, my emotions are all over the place like a menopausal woman. I've been revisited by the insomnia fairy again and am now suffering a complex!
I did my Tarot Cards yesterday, not looking good if I'm honest.
Went for a run earlier on, I had no energy and was running really slow.
I feel like there a dead weight on my shoulder at the moment and I know that its not going anywhere for a while yet. I hate feeling lacklustre and all limp life. All I'm doing in comfort eating, laying in bed and reading or staying at my grandmas (not including updating this).
The only highlight in my life at the moment is Mitchell, who I've not seen in donkeys. I don't see J.C enough to fill him in, and were not friends who really discuss each others feelings. My parents are too busy with their own lives to really notice that much change in me. Mums got her own problems at the moment, but my Dad is just being Mr Sport again and getting annoyed with anything that interupts it. Training comes first, Family and life is somewhere lost on him.
I'm looking out of the window as I write this, the sky is a clear blue, with some white and gray clouds obscurring it slightly, but still adding to the view. I can see the tops of trees from behinds houses swaying slightly from the breeze and I feel actually serene. I wake up to this most mornings and yet I still find something to complain about. The Human Nature makes me sick sometimes. Were never gratefull for what we have. Something has to make it better, perhaps because were insecure with where our lives our taking us.
Just a thought!
Toodle Pip

Monday, 26 July 2010

Narwhal

heheh Sucks so much... I want to see Mitchell... Sound like a post-puebessant teenager again!
But I want to see Herr Mitch, (Oooooooooooh may post in German at some point).
Loving how nice he's being with all the shitty problemos atm.

Auf whiedersen (WTF!!!)

Thou doth feel moved

Quotes from plays and books:

"Romeo: Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear,
That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops—
Juliet: O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise varia."
(Act II Scene 2)

I come here with no expectations, only to profess,
now I am at the liberty to do so, that my heart is and will always be yours.
-- Jane Auten, Sense and Sensibility
"To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless."
Chesterton, Gilbert K. on Hope
"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and
you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others."
Braude, Jacob M. on Change
Quote on Genius
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world
Are the ones who do."

What am I glad I did today?

ho hum,
I'm glad I spent time with my family, even though it's driving me crazy. I am really struggling to stay positive in myself, so I'm looking for things that make others feel happier and stronger.
My family don't need me to be selfish right now, which would be the easier thing for me to do, so I'm being helpfull and staying close by. I wish things could just get better and move on.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

F.R.U.I.T





"Hull’s Newest, Most Exciting Entertainment and Arts Space, situated in the Marina and Fruit Market area of the City. This warehouse venue will host a variety of cutting edge cultural activities. From theatre, music and cinema to fashion, comedy, art and photography exhibitions, this multi-function space will also feature indoor markets and food fayres as well as activities for young people."




Tete-a-Tete


PARTY TIME!
WHEYYYYYY mucho happiness.
Can't dance very well (simmilar to an elephant on drugs)
but hey-ho.
HERE WE GO JIGILOW
much love at the minute.
so busy that I haven't had a chance to make plans with Mitchell... feeling sorry for myself.

Mitchell bless his cotton socks.... Patience of a saint (well you have to with me, Im so blonde), He witnessed a few day ago just how clumsy I am and also one of my very embarressing lauging fits, I must have looked deranged. Good god whats he let himself in for. Were making plans to go to the cinema atm!

What are the things that drain my energy?

Ermmm this one is quite easy I can easily list 5 things that drain me
  1. Arguing with my family especially my mum and dad.
  2. Not eating ( this goes for most people)
  3. Being stuck in the house and not going anywhere or doing anything
  4. staying up too late then having a busy day afterwards (I do this regulary, and tbh it is my own fault)
  5. Not being Happy (although I can be quite pessimistic, I like to be happy about whats going on)

And my dearies thats about it... I am naturally quite a lazy person and am able to spend a full day in bed "slobbing it". I find that however I do need to be motivated or else I get stuck in a rut, which I hate...

Kay?

Taraa

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Love Images


















All Images are credited to Looklet.com



Paddington Bear!

















My Favourite Bookie wooks!


Blesssssss !

What do I praise myself for today?

Well, thats a hard one, I'm my own worst critic and find any positive comments hard to believe, so finding something good that I've done myself is pretty darn hard... I guess I would have to put the fact that I've not turned my bedroom into a tip over the past few hours is a good thing, (sounds silly, but I have an affinity for making a mess and advoiding tidying it up) so knowing that my bedroom looks more bedroom-y than an obsiticle course is a good achievement on my behalf, also the fact that I have no clothes splayed everywhere. There all nicely hung up in my wardrobe, which looks wierd being full of clothes and not junk!
Praising myself for a tidy bedroom..I need to spice up my life! Hmmmm a trip to the supermarket might do it! I like to look at people's trolleys and assess what kind of lives they lead by its contents!

Friday, 23 July 2010

Semolina Brain!

Mweeeeee is happy :)
J.C has started a blog... I have a Blog Buddy :)
Mitchell is so lovely <3 he makes me dead happy... we were texting quite late at night recently about all sorts off stuff.. Its good to be with someone who cares!
Past B'Friends were not so nice, and I was a bit wary, but I'm not afraid now!
The past feeling of restrictedness has evaporated and I feel new and able to have a relationship with someone who deserves me and I deserve back.
The fact that I also have support off my family to do better and stop fucking up my life has given me more motivation to get on and enjoy who I am, and where I'm going in my life.
I'm looking up travelling the world after college and before I go to university, so that I can gain some life experience.
Now that lifes got its rosy glow back, I'm noticing that the beer glass is much more full than empty! And I dont have bus drivers telling me... "cheer up, could be worse!" ha yeah screeeew yoooou driver!
I have a life! I don't pay taxes (yet)!

What am I grateful for today?

Today, Im grateful for my health!
I know it's such an obvious choice, but with my grandfather seriously ill...Iam hugely grateful for the fact that I'm not facing my own mortality and in a lot of pain!
I'm not afraid of death or pain, but loosing things, I don't want my grandad to die beacause that would mean loosing him. Im not a member of any faith yet I have built up my beliefs to cope with death and life...I am fully aware of my process of death and loss, I don't talk about it, I bottle it up, the one day just freak out (much to everyones alarm)!
Getting back to the question.
The fact that I am grateful for my healt has also lead to go on a total detox, I'm jogging again and eating healthy.
Nothing can stop me being gratefull of my life and the lives of those who surround me.

Project!

Im'a gonna ask my self each day a question and post my answers on this and Tumblr. My tumblr page is; http://stressedholly93.tumblr.com/!

MOTHER DUCKER

Suzanne Vega?
Oh well... Been very satisfied with the summer saled recently... got two items from Topshop for under £20 and and Top from River Island for £8!
AHHHH stress to destress eh?
The town centre has been packed, and I find myself getting quite abusive in the car!
It alarms my parents back seat driver road rage... is it cureable?
Desperate to loose a couple of stone! Looking like the michelin man with all my spare tyres!!!

Plans go Haywire

Sucks when plans are made, but end up failing!

The frustration is setting in... I only saw him (who I will call Mitchell) a few days ago and it feels like a life time. It's true that Mitchell is not my usual type.. , but yet somthing about him draws me towards him.. He asked me out after a few weeks of chatting and getting to know each other; I said yes and feel very happy about it, I said yes upon the advice of a good friend .... Well I hope I just stay happy.. No back Track I know I'll be happy, he's the best!

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Sucks to be sherbert

I love the Underground

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Promity Prom Prom

Mehhh twas a good night, sooo tierd...
Me dress looked pwetty!
but Im oh so depressed....

Saturday, 3 July 2010

Jokes on you! TOUCHE.

What a waste of a week its been, the b-day/leavers party.. Oh sweet christ it was just unreal.
The ex was being a complete 3- (code for knob) .... Will update later