Diptheria!

God I'm so angry at the moment, It annoys me so much when he does that! We'll call him Ben! I Know that ranting on this doesn't solve the situation, but I've honestly given up trying! I just feel like yelling at Ben "get a fucking grip!" he does my head in. He complains, then when I try to help him it just gets thrown back in my pissing face. Well screw him, Let him do what he wants, I'm sick of trying to help and please him. From now on he can get lost, if he wants my help, tough I'm not gonna even care! Fuck Him.
I've got too much going on in my life to worry about him from now on, this is my last ever rant about him! I've got for once something normal in my life and I'm not screwing it up for him!

I've had enough of emotionally unstable men in my life! I had an Ex Boyfriend ringing me up and pestering me a few weeks ago... It was awfull! We broke up in a really unpleasant way and caused a fight between me and him, in which some other people got involved and it just ended really badly, and now after almost a year of no contact, he bloody rings me, apologizing and begging me to take him back! I said no of course, but after a few days of him pestering me, I finally had to threaten him with the police. I blocked his number and thank GOD I haven't heard from him since! Why do men get all obessive over something they can't have!?

Life for me at the moment is a really wierd balance, I'm having family problems so thats dragging the scale down, but I have Mitchell which is keeping me happy and sane, hence balancing me out a bit. I'm dreading it when the whole family thing comes to a head, its just gonna be the worst. I don't think that any of us are gonna handle it very well so it will be chaos. I hate the fact that were already preparing ourselves for the inevitable worst, which we all know is coming! Some of my family are in denial and wont be blunt about whats happening, which is maing it worst because their gonna rely on us for support, when we've moved on, dragging us down! It's not fair this is happening now, its just gonna be a huge test on mine and Mitchell's relationship and I hope that I wont get scared! I'm not afraid anymore, I'm sick of being afraid! Being scared of getting hurt can cause more pain! But I dont want to drag Mitchell to the dark places my mind takes me.
I've always had voices in my head telling me what a useless bastard I am, but the voice is my own! I hate the fact that Bipolar (Bipolar II Disorder:hypomania and depression) is such a fucker to have as a mental illness, It's not something that I admit to people often, It affects my day in so many ways!
I find myself in the middle of the night fantasising about suicide and how I could do it... I also hate the paranoia, thats what usually ended most of my relationships! It's not called manic depression for no reason. Bipolar disorder also affects your energy level, judgment, memory, concentration, appetite, sleep patterns, sex drive, and self-esteem. All of that applies to me, On a long stretch of depression I'm usually ables to disguise it as PMS, but I turn from a rational nice girl to a raging imbecile able of upsetting anyone (I've never suffered with plain old mania)! I've been lucky the past few weeks, I've been relatively normal/balanced mood. But I can feel myself edging toward depression, I'm able to moniter my mood swings easily through this, and I can see myself getting grouchy and complaining about people more! I think that I know whats gonna hit me this time!